Fixing Things and Being Single

Last Sunday I volunteered to help my church make apple dumplings, a whole 900 of them. The fellowship hall was set up with assembly line tables like the inside of a make-shift factory. We had peeler stations, dough roller stations, and a package and labeling department, but that is not what I'm writing about today.

While at one of the apple dumpling assembly line tables, I was asked a question that really hit my heart, and caused me to ask myself, "How did I survive?"

The question was, "How old were you Angie when you lost your dad?" I had just celebrated my 18th birthday.

Have I missed my dad through my adult life? You bet'cha. But I think I inherited his strength, and that is what keeps me going.

My dad was the fix-it type. Whenever there was a problem he would fix it. "I will fix it", no matter if it was a broken heart or a car. My dad loved to fix up old cars. He fixed up an old '57 Chevy and drove it in drag races, which attracted all the teenage boys in the area (lucky me!). He also fixed up an old 1970 Chevy Camaro that he gave to me for my first car (AKA: The Bondo Buggy) . Let me tell ya, driving around a sporty Camaro in the late 1980's, I was a style'n teenager......And it went perfect with my concert T-shirts and Levi jeans (a rebel).

But when I was a teenager I broke my dad's heart, and I couldn't fix it.....At the early age of 17 I found out I was pregnant. I think what broke his heart the most was, he didn't know how to fix it either. About 6 months out of the 9 before my baby's birth, my dad and I lost communication. He made it very obvious that I had disappointed him. But the closer I got to my due date, he could no longer hide his excitement. He was going to be a grandpa for the first time. We spent the last month contemplating on a boy or girl. And we both wanted a girl badly (Cassie).

While I was in the delivery room, my dad called me on the phone, I think, demanding to talk to me, because the nursing staff brought me the phone during my delivery. My dad got to hear his granddaughter's first cries through the phone. "We have our Cassie, Dad!"

Then shortly after Cassie was born, my dad got very sick. He was diagnosed with bone cancer, and he was in the last stages when the doctors found it. He didn't even know he was sick.

From the moment I brought Cassie home, till his last breath, they were inseparable. He took her everywhere, even to the drag races when she was two weeks old.

We sat up a playpen in his hospital room just so Cassie could be near him.

Six months after Cassie was born my dad passed away with bone cancer.

This is Cassie, and this is where my strength begins.....

I live in a small community, and you know how small communities work, right? Gossip, gossip, gossip....There was a lot of talk about me not being a good mother, and Cassie would grow up being nothing but trouble. I just love my supportive community.....(that was sarcasm if you couldn't tell).

I call Cassie my gift from God, because if she had not been born, my dad would not have had the opportunity to see, feel, and spend time with his first grandchild.

I started my child raising journey single until Cassie was 5, married for 7 years, married again for 3, and have been in and out of relationships ever since. But my children have always been placed first. If they were being mistreated, abused, or experiencing a broken heart, "I fixed it".

I think that is part of the reason why I chose to be single through most of my adult life. I fix things best on my own.

There are some benefits to being a single parent.

Even though the responsibility was overwhelming at times (lack of sleep, lack of income, and lack of energy), I made it through. And my benefits were:

I got to make all the decisions in the home without compromising with a partner.

I got breaks when the kids would visit their dad (spent the entire time sleeping though).

I got to bond with my children without interference. If I chose to play with my kids all evening I didn't have someone complaining about time not being spent with them.

I developed more confidence in myself. I learned to make decisions on my own, solve problems, and I didn't need to rely on someone else to help me.

I had more control in child rearing. I was the one there for my children day-in and day-out influencing them. Just me!

My home was stress free (no arguing, fighting, or complaining).

I didn't have to take time caring for another adult (making sure they remain happy).

It gave my children opportunities to develop responsibility. My children felt like partners in the home instead of "just the kids".

And my children and I learned resiliency. The ability to "bounce back" when negative things happen.

The last two items on this list were positives for Cassie. She is the strongest young adult I know. She has two children, attends school, and works a full-time job (40 - 60 hours a week). She has gone through many negatives in her adult life so far, and she always bounces back.

This is Logan. He is a thinker, fixer, and my best food critic. He also inherited my dad's personality, which I think is awesome.

One thing that stands out in my mind with Logan, and I know my parenting techniques worked, is I approached him with a question one day, "Do you think I did a good job teaching you religion while you were growing up?"

His response made me crumble. This is what he said, "PHSSST.....No!" (I always had my children involved in the church).

After I pulled myself together, picked my heart up off the floor, took my hand and forcefully closed my mouth that had shot open from his response, I asked him, "What do you mean?"

He said, "Mom, no one knows everything about religion, and there is no way you could possibly teach me about it. I have my own understanding of religion. It doesn't have anything to do with you. The one thing you did though, you taught me to believe."

Oh, thank the Lord!! My son is so smart.....

Now onto Randi. She has grown up, her teenage years, in the tech world. I have to compete with technology which makes things a little more difficult. I still enforce dinner around the table (communication) without cell phones, and computers.

Randi has always been a clinger. And she makes it very clear that I am her idol, which is almost frightening. She has a hard time doing things on her own. But one thing she's really good at is, she thinks through a situation before acting or making a decision. She is constantly trying to direct her friends on what is right and wrong. She doesn't give in to peer pressure, which makes me think that she will continue my strength.

Those are my children, and my parenting job is almost complete. And do you think I can sleep now that I have the opportunity? Heavens no! Since I am getting older and my kids have grown up I don't need much sleep. I don't have to deal with the hustle and bustle of worrying about my children, making sure they stay out of trouble, and directing them. They are pretty much on their own now with hopes that they have learned something from me.

My parenting technique throughout their lives have been, mutual respect (manners and respect for each other and elders), truly listen (putting aside my own thoughts and beliefs to try and see my child's point of view), and giving direction (brief with ideas in only a few sentences instead of lecturing. I gave my children plenty of room to give direction to themselves).

Now onto my grandchildren.....This is Lydia, and she is smart as a whip. She also likes babies and pretty things.

Asthon, he's into boxing and karate. He has had a rough beginning, but I can only hope and pray that his mother (Cassie) influences him with her own parenting techniques. Cassie is doing a great job so far. I'm not one of those grandma's that is laden with worry.

Based on your experiences with your own children, what is the best advice that you could give about raising children?

Hugs for Always,

Angie