A Big Fat "F"

A big fat "F"......

And that is exactly what I looked like when I was handed back my quiz in my accounting class. I think I blacked out for at least thirty minutes (or more), didn't know where I was at (room started spinning), and when I came to, I was in need of a toilet really bad because I felt like I was going to PUKE.

If I would have placed this scenario back 26 years ago, when I was in high school.... failing grades were cool, that's how you became popular, of course I would have been okay. I would have smirked at the teacher and had a proud simper look on my face. But I'm 43 years old, trying to better my life, stuff my brain full of education (overload), and every waking minute is spent on schoolwork.....An "F" is completely unacceptable!

I pulled myself together to make it through the four hours of class, mentally yelling at myself for being so stupid, imagined punching myself really hard, and forced thoughts of good things into my head (rainbows, butterflies, what's for dinner, monkeys at the zoo, etc....) so I wouldn't break down in tears and look even more stupid. But when class was over and I (sprinted) got in the car alone.....Oh buddy! The waterworks started! I have at least a 20 minute drive home, so I thought that would give me enough time to feel sorry for myself. I could have a good cry, pat myself on the back and say, "It will be okay. You have plenty of time to pull this "F" up. Get it together Angie!! You are making stupid silly mistakes and not putting your "ALL" into it. You just aren't concentrating hard enough."

After my pep talk with myself, I felt better (a little). I can now return home and no one will ever know I was crying (over spilt milk).

"Big Girls Don't Cry".....Do you remember that song by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons? Yeah, even when it came on the radio during the drive home, it didn't make me feel any better. Actually it made me even more angry, and that's when I reached down and tore off the radio knob.....SHUT THE HELL UP!! "You have no idea what I am going through right now Frankie, and I don't need your mushy support."

I wiped my tears at a stop sign about five minutes away from my house, fixed my make-up, took some deep breaths, thought of monkeys at the zoo again, and when I pulled in the driveway I had everything under control (so I thought). But guess who was standing at the door? Yup, the person that supports me the most, the love of my life, my equal half, and the one that turned on the waterworks again (dang it!). All I had to do was look at him and I instantly started crying.....AGAIN! Another big fat failure in a single day. I am suppose to be the strong one, I am suppose to be the supporter, and I am older so I have to fulfill stability. OMG!! What a big fat cry baby I am.....

But you know what? I did some research today on crying, and according to doctors, crying is healthy. It is an emotional perspiration of the body. Given the fact that I sweat often (don't forget I'm 43), I suppose it makes sense that I'm a crier. And after my research, I don't have to feel bad about it, because after a good cry, I always feel cleansed, ignoring the swollen eyes, broken heart feeling, and fighting to stop the tears. I always feel like my heart and mind have connected and rubbed together like my first cup of coffee and cream at the start of each new day. Crying makes me feel renewed, refreshed, and gives me a start-over point. Even though I look like crap afterward.

Here are seven ways (according to doctors) tears, or crying heal us physiologically, psychologically, and spiritually.

1. Tears help us to see. Literally. Tears not only act as a lubricant for the eyeball, they also prevent dehydration of our mucous membranes. No lubrication = no eyesight.

2. Tears are our own built in waterless antibacterial solution. Cry a few tears and there is no need for liquid antibacterial soaps. Catch your tears and you are all set to fight off germs. So, the next time you go shopping, think about the money you are spending, cry while making your food or item choices, wash your hands with tears, and there is no worries about the germs that were left on that shopping cart.

3. Crying and tears have been researched for as long as I have been searching for sanity, and that is a long time.....But it has been found that emotional tears (distress or grief = a big fat "F") contains more toxic byproducts than tears of irritation (onion peeling or poking yourself in the eye with a mascara brush). Now that doesn't mean that tears are toxic themselves, it means that tears remove toxins from our bodies. Tears are like a natural massage that has no cost. So, that big fat "F" gave me the best massage I have ever had.

4. You know, all those feelings that live rent free inside your head (anxiety, fatigue, aggression, nervousness, etc....)? Crying releases them feelings to move out of your head. The stress you feel is your manganese level. When that level is lower, you are more healthy (so go ahead and cry). Pack your bags manganese level I am kicking you(r) ass out.

5. It is true, tears are really a form of body perspiration. Do you feel better after you exercise and sweat (lookie there, now I know why I don't exercise, I cry all the time)? Well, a good cry does the same thing. Tears remove some of the chemicals built up in the body from stress. I must have been really stressed out because I sweated tears for one whole evening.....If you hold back your tears that is when stress levels will contribute to high blood pressure, heart problems, and peptic ulcers. After my hours of crying, I am now stress free....YIPPIE!

6. Tears help communication and foster community. What? If someone is concerned about my tears, does that mean I have to invite them to dinner? Does that mean we have joined together in a tight community? No, help in communication and fostering community simply means that the people that matter most in your life are there to support you. Tears strengthen relationships. Right Sean? And you better agree, because you made me feel better when I pulled in the driveway crying like a big fat failure.

7. If you let conflicts and resentments build up inside you, they gather in the limbic system of the brain. Crying lets the devils out before they wreak havoc with the nervous and cardiovascular systems. It is true, all human feelings need to be felt, but it helps when we are able to throw fits, sob and cry, perspire (tears), and tremble.

Go ahead, it is healthy to cry, and you can leave the rainbows and monkeys out of it.....Just let the tears flow, wash your hands, make new friends, and relieve some of that stress.

Hugs for Always,

Angie