Born Again

Okay fingers....here we go again. You are going to be my link from my mind, to the key pad, and onto this computer screen.
I really need to pen my thoughts today because my mind is racing in so many different directions. I need to get all these thoughts into order. Some of you may not like what I'm penning about today, but you can always close this tab and go about your regular daily lives.
I usually attend church on Sundays, just for my own cleansing, and it usually helps me get through the six days ahead. But the sermon on Sunday really made me question my spirituality.
Am I a true believer of God, Jesus, the Christ? Or am I more in tune with the Universe?
That is the question that is causing ruckus in my mind.
As I was doing research on "Born Again" I came across the word Pantheism. Pantheism is a religion old or new, that stresses the magnificence of the universe as revealed by modern science. Pantheism might be able to draw forth reserves of reverence and awe hardly tapped by the conventional faiths. And a quote from Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot (1994), "Such a religion WILL emerge."
And then as I continued reading, the question, "Are you a Pantheist?" emerged. Of course I had to keep on reading after that question was thrown in my face.

If you answer yes to all these questions, then you might have pantheistic leanings.....

When you look at the night sky or at the images of the Hubble Space Telescope, are you filled with a feeling of awe and wonder at the overwhelming beauty and power of the universe?    Yes


When you are in the midst of nature, in a forest, by the sea, on a mountain peak - do you ever feel a sense of the sacred, like the feeling of being in a vast cathedral?    Yes

Do you believe that humans should be a part of Nature, rather than set above it?    Yes


I am not skeptical of God, I do know that, because there had to be a creator. Correct?

Every evening I step outside when it's just turning dark enough to show the stars and the moon. I feel such an overwhelming peace and my discussions feel so much more fulfilled then during the day. The nighttime universe feels like a temple to me. My spirituality is more free.

So, what does it mean to be BORN AGAIN?

The context of the question comes from the following verses in the gospel of John:

"There was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus by night and said to Him, 'Rabbi, we know that You are a teacher come from God; for no one can do these signs that You do unless God is with him.'


Jesus answered and said to him, 'Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is BORN AGAIN, he cannot see the kingdom of God.'


Nicodemus said to Him, 'How can a man be born when his old? Can he enter a second time into his mother's womb and be born?'


Jesus answered, 'Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.


Do not marvel that I said to you, 'YOU MUST BE BORN AGAIN.' The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of Spirit.'" (John 3:1-8, NKJV)

See, this is what is so confusing. Jesus speaks of the Universe as far as being born of the water and the Spirit. He also talks about the wind. You can't see the wind, but you can feel it. That is your spirituality. But the spirit and the words BORN AGAIN can mean so many things. There have been so many times in my life where I have felt BORN AGAIN, but not in a religious form. However, in a spiritual form, my own personal feelings of my heart being cleansed. To me being born again can mean change, any change. For example, my current relationship. In the beginning of my relationship I felt like I had a long row to hoe, but things came together in a way that is un-explainable. In this relationship I feel new, I feel with a new heart, I am more loving (and so is he), more caring, and more gentle. This relationship has caused me to forget about my terrible past, and only focus on what is ahead of me, or right in front of my face. The relationship has touched my spirit, my heart, and my emotions.
Another form of being BORN AGAIN in my life is the opportunity of being able to attend college. A change, a new beginning, and creating the path to make things better. This opportunity has touched my spirit, my heart, and my emotions.

The words TO BE BORN AGAIN are very strong, and people interpret those words in different ways. My interpretation of those words, they simply mean to cleanse yourself, cleanse your inner self. To be born again does not mean to reenter your mother's womb. That would be silly. The inner cleanse is to free yourself of troubles, start over, produce a brand new heart. That is what BORN AGAIN means to me.
And if I feel born again by standing in the Universe, breathing, having discussions about direction, listening to the wind, and cleansing my heart, then so be it.

In John 3 there are three births discussed:

1. Born of the flesh (my mother)
2. Born of water (baptized)
3. Born of spirit (MY spirit, MY cleansing, MY imagined wanderlust, MY life direction)

When you are standing in nature (the universe) and come across a gorgeous scene such as this, how do you feel? How does the beauty touch your heart? Is it breathtaking? Do you feel like you are right in the presence of God, the creator himself? Directly in the center of the Universe?
This is my temple, this is my peace, this is my spirit, this is how I cleanse myself, this is how I'm BORN AGAIN.

Thank you for taking the time to read my penning thoughts. And please feel free to comment. Everyone has their own opinion, and those opinions are what make our universe so appealing, so unique, and so inspiring.

Jealousy

Jealousy - We all go through it sometimes in our lives, and we all deal with it sometimes in our lives. Jealousy is a wicked emotion to overcome. It is almost like a disease.

As I was doing research on the subject of jealousy,  almost every article I read was based on jealousy in a relationship. But jealousy goes beyond relationships. The green eye of jealousy can be found between any two people. For instance, a mother and step-mother (that is where the jealousy is found in my life). Oh it's not me that's the jealous one, it's the step-mother. She worries and frets over everything that I do, and then she says nasty things to my children about me because it makes her feel better about herself. But I consider myself the bigger person. I have a control over my emotions and thoughts, and I don't have a low self-esteem issue.  Jealousy is a disease that takes total control of a person's emotions and thoughts.

Just a couple weeks ago I was feeling the pangs of jealousy (in my relationship), but the pangs I was feeling had more to do with insecurity. Which jealousy and insecurity go hand in hand. I don't like myself very well when the insecurity emotion takes me over. I have to do a lot of talking to myself to fix the interrupted emotion of doubt, fear, and insecurity. I have to talk myself right out of it. I call myself "stupid" a lot when I let these foolish emotions take me over. I am not, I totally refuse, will not let it happen; allow jealousy in my life. Me and jealousy do not go well together.

So, how does a person overcome jealousy? Overcoming jealousy is like changing any personal behavior. It all begins with awareness. Which, awareness will allow a person to see that the proposed stories in their mind are not true. When a person gets this clarity under control they no longer react to scenarios that their mind imagines. Yes, jealousy plays on a person's imagination. Jealousy and anger are emotions that causes a person to believe what they imagine. By changing beliefs, a person will change what they imagine. It's kind of like placing positives in a situation that has doubts. Find the good in something bad. Does that make sense?

Trying to change anger and jealousy is like trying to control a car that is skidding on ice. A person's life will improve immensely if they steer clear of the hazard before they get there. The step-mother in my life imagines and assumes that I am a terrible mother and grandmother without gathering facts or understanding of my actions, schedule, or values.

I found this information on the Pathway to Happiness Web site:

The steps to permanently end jealous reactions are: 
1) Recovering personal power so that you can get control of your emotions and refrain from the reactive behavior. 
2) Shift your point of view so that you can step back from the story in your mind. This will give you a gap of time in which to refrain from a jealous or angry reaction and do something else. 
3) Identify the core beliefs that trigger the emotional reaction. 
4) Become aware that the beliefs in your mind are not true. This is different than “knowing” intellectually that the stories are not true. 
5) Develop control over your attention so you can consciously choose what story plays in your mind and what emotions you feel.  

That is some pretty good advise right there.

Throughout my life (more recently) I have gotten a handle on my imagination. I understand that my children and grand children have other family in their lives. Do I let that upset me? NO. Do I create unnecessary stories and issues about what the other family members are doing with my children and grand children? NO. Do I find blame and create scenarios because I don't want my children or grand children with the other family? NO. So, why is this step-mother so dead-set on making me look like a bad mother?

For the last four years I have been attending college. And anyone who has attended college full time knows how much time and dedication that takes. The step-mother assumes that I am a bad mother and grandmother because I don't go to my children and grand children's  school events. Maybe I should hand her my school schedule and have her help me out with ideas on how I can attend school activities?

Believe me, I am facing the feeling of regret when it comes to my children and grandchildren's school activities. What busy mother wouldn't?

And if the wicked step-mother reads this:

My school schedule (during the school months) consisted of four days a week at school....Tues. 9:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m., Thurs. 9:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m., Fri. 6:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m., Sat. 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. And in between I did homework.....  

Does this clear up the imagination a little bit? It's best to gather facts before assuming false information,  and ridiculing someone for things you don't understand. 

   

Humiliation

It's been a long time folks.

Did you think I gave up on this blog?

One thing that you will find out about me, I am not a quitter!

I have had a really stressful semester. In just 15 days I will be able to put all this school stuff behind me. Don't get me wrong, I will never forget it, and I will always apply what I have learned, but I am looking forward to not having to think so hard. And knowing my luck, I will probably land a job that requires mental application.....SHSHSH!! Did I just write that out loud?

I came here today to vent. So, if you want to put up with me for a few minutes, and maybe soothe my emotions, continue reading. If not, just click that tiny X in the top right hand corner of your screen.

Have you ever been so humiliated, to the point where you just can't face the people in front of you?

That is what I came here to pen about today.

Humiliation hurts!

Humiliation makes you feel singled out, insulted, ego crushed, pride hurt, makes you feel powerless, diminished, and sometimes mad as hell!

There are nine different definitions for humiliation. Did you know that? Me either. But I am going to list them for you:

1. Feeling disrespected.

2. A loss of stature or image.

3. An image change reflecting a decrease in what others believe about your stature.

4. Induced shame.

5. To reduce the pride or fail to recognize the dignity of another.

6. An event perceived to cause loss of honor and induce shame.

7. Feeling powerless.

8. Being unjustly forced into a degrading position.

9. Ridicule, scorn, contempt, or other treatment at the hands of others.

That list pretty much covers all the feelings that a person goes through when they have just been humiliated.

I don't feel the pangs of humiliation often, but when I do, I feel like the walls close in to trap me, a huge spotlight has just been single-shot directly on me, and when I look at the people in front of me they are all laughing. All of those feelings, I'm sure, are just mind games that increase the feeling of humiliation even more.

I was humiliated in speech class right before I was to present my speech. Fighting the feelings of humiliation, finding the strength to get through my speech, and telling myself that I'm a strong person just made my self-esteem disintegrate. I made it half way through my speech, trying hard to concentrate, stumbling over my notes, forgetting what I had to say, before I broke down in tears and ran out of the classroom. And I was mad as hell!! My professional instructor is purposefully affecting my grade because his teaching technique causes humiliation, is what I was thinking.

But humiliation does not stand alone. Right beside humiliation is shame. I now have to find the courage to return to that class and present my final speech. Simply put, shame is private, where humiliation is public. Humiliation is suffering and insult. If you judge the insult to be credible, then you feel shame. A person only feels shame if their self-image is reduced; and that requires a person's own assessment and decision. A person who is insecure about their genuine stature is more prone to feeling shame as a result of humiliation. Therefore, that is why I cried for three days straight. My fragile self-esteem was bruised. I did everything in my power to get over the shame feeling, and my eyes were so swollen that I couldn't even apply make-up. Yup, I was mad as hell!

Thus, how do I resolve this humiliation and shame feeling? Victims of humiliation may be able to achieve resolution through either of two paths. The first is to reappraise the humiliating experience in some way that acknowledges the victim's strength and ability to cope with a difficult situation. This approach increases self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence, and diminishes the fear of humiliation.

The second path is to leave the degrading environment and find a more grateful environment.

I am one tough cookie! I'm going to choose the first path. For one reason the situation is school related. I have not dedicated myself to college for the last four years to have it all come crashing down now. I am going to pick myself up and return to that class to blow the audience out of their seats and present the best damn speech they have ever seen, or heard.

As you have just read my penning thoughts, what do you think is the best way to overcome humiliation? Face it head-on, or run and hide?

Believe me, the urge to run and hide really did cross my mind. But if we do run and hide, the person that did the humiliating wins. And I don't know about you, but I really hate to lose.....

Don't let humiliation take the upper hand. Crush it! Stomp on it! And fight back appropriately. Guaranteed, you will feel better in the end.

Living Blind

Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not ignore it. – Proverbs 8:33

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."
- Marcus Aurelius

I would like to spend some time today introducing you to my dear friend Lynda. It's been a few years since I have attended high school. Okay, 25 years to be exact (let's keep that a secret). Shortly after graduating from high school I took up a full time job at an automotive factory in my area. The factory is where I met Lynda. We were both the same age, indestructible, rebels, and "no one can touch this" type of chicks. We walked into a friendship where we automatically clicked. Since we were young and indestructible we decided to make ourselves a permanent team. Yeah, we decided to rent an apartment together. Can you just imagine two young females living in the same apartment? I don't think there was ever a quiet night, especially since we worked 2nd shift.

But to tell you a little about Lynda.... when she was very young she was diagnosed with one of the most common and deadly diseases that we know of today. Diabetes! Daily insulin shots were a norm for her when we were living together. I worried about her a lot and did everything I could to help her.

Well, as life goes, we spent a year together inseparable in that party apartment, had tons of good times, got involved in our own relationships with men, got busy (married), and we just kind of drifted apart. Went our own separate ways living our own lives without each other.

But let's go back to the high school age again....When I was in high school it was a time of clicks, bullying, "I am better than you" attitudes, "you are different so you don't belong here, and I'm going to make your school hours miserable" attempts, etc.... I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

When I left high school the door was shut on that part of my life, with the hopes of never reopening it. Twenty-five years later I am attending college. Something that I never thought I would be doing in my lifetime. And as I started my classes at the local college in my area, who do you think I ran into? Yup, Lynda!! My long lost friend that I have been missing so badly over the years. Lynda's major is social work, but you are going to be amazed the farther down you read. In my eyes, Lynda is the most courageous, strong willed, and goal determined person I know. I really truly admire her.

Okay, wait a minute, as I look at Lynda there is something very different about her. She is not the same person I lived with years ago. She is walking different, depends heavily on her friends, has a very special friend by her side at all times, carries a lap top computer with an ear piece wherever she goes on campus, and wears dark glasses all the time.....

Lynda is totally BLIND (diabetes)!

Lynda is the second vision impaired person to attend this college campus with a service dog (seeing eye dog). And as I get reacquainted with Lynda, and catch up on our lives, that high school closed door comes flying open right in my face.....College students are suppose to be adults, act like adults, and present themselves as adults. One of Lynda's COLLEGE classmates is giving her a hard time about her service dog, how Lynda treats her, and having the dog in class. This classmate has complained time and time again to the instructor. Since the adult college student is a tattle-tail and can't approach Lynda as an adult her/him self, the instructor feels that something needs to be done. The instructor finds time to talk to Lynda about this complaining classmate. Which ends in tears for Lynda.

This is what I am thinking: The classmate may be uncomfortable with Lynda's disability? Maybe this classmate doesn't like dogs? What if she/he just doesn't want Lynda there and is doing everything he/she can to scare Lynda away? Does the college need to educate the students on disabilities and service animals to help them better understand?

What I know about a service animal from research:

A service animal's mission is to enhance the independence, dignity, and self-confidence of blind people through the use of their own eyes and judgments.

After a service dog's eighteen month age, they will begin a four month training course. The training course consists of:

· Respond to basic obedience commands

· Pull wearing a harness

· Lead in harness through neighborhoods, traffic, stop lights, and crosswalks

· Understand and carry out the concept of intelligent disobedience.

Intelligent disobedience is knowing when to accept a command from their master and when to over-ride that command using their own judgment.

A lot of work goes into training a service dog, and that classmate of Lynda's needs to realize that the service dog (Marley) is at work when Lynda is in school. When Marley is working she is no longer a pet, she is Lynda's eyes.

"Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

One very important piece of information to pass along.....never, never, never touch, feed, or coax a service dog. Never speak to them either. They are suppose to be concentrating on their job, and if they are distracted by you they could cause harm to their blind master.

I am part of Lynda's (eyes) transportation to and from the college campus. Marley knows who I am when she sees me, but I never speak to her while she's working. I wait until we are in the car, and then it's hugs and kisses and treats......

I am so glad that Lynda and I have reconnected. What an inspiration she is.....

3 Little Words

I haven't been here for a while, and I truly apologize for that.

I have started school again (a new semester) and I have been really, really, busy. I know that's no excuse when it comes to sharing feelings, life encounters, and testimonies.

A couple Sundays ago I was sitting in church listening to the sermon about invitations, testimonies, and witnessing, not giving any thought to applying this sermon into my life, and then sharing it with you. It was a normal sermon with a very good message. But this message followed me for the next couple weeks.

Influence

Invitation

Witnessing

What do they have in common?

Let's see:

Influence is the power of a person to be a compelling force on the actions, behavior, and opinions of others.

Invitation - Something offered as a suggestion.

Witnessing - To bear witness to; testify to, give, or afford evidence of.

Did you know that every single human being offers an influence to someone else in their life? It's true! Even a baby offers influence (the influence to be pure, a new life, a new beginning).

So, what do those three words have in common?

Every one of them offers something to others. How we use them and apply them in our lives is up to each one of us.

Usually when you throw out the word witnessing, people see fear, or they want to run in the opposite direction. But if the word is used correctly it can be very beneficial to the people around us.

During the church sermon that I sat through, the minister asked if each one of us could complete a 3 minute testimony message. And there is a reason why I want to complete this three minute testimony. You will see the reason why later.

The testimony consists of three questions:

1. What were you like before Jesus entered your life?

To be honest right now, I didn't like the person I was years ago. I was constantly angry, trying to place blame on other's for the way my life was going, and I couldn't see my future clearly. I was doing a slide and feel in the darkness searching for that open door expecting things to just appear to make my life better. There was no light to show me the way.

There was (at least I think so) a reason for my anger. I was very angry at God for letting my life be so uprooted, so out of sync. Quite a few years ago my ex husband was bound and determined to prove me an unfit mother. He tricked the judge into signing an ex-parte, and in an instant my children were gone, taken from me, and I was ordered limited visitation.

I threw my hands in the air and screamed, "What did I do to deserve this?", curled up in a ball in the corner of my bedroom and stayed there for three days. I was nothing without my children. After the three day pity-party I picked myself up and got to work.....I hired the best attorney in my area, joined online groups dealing with the same situation, and collected proof that my ex was wrong. I had to spend a year proving to the judge that I was innocent. But I was still angry with God through that whole year, and then some.....The God that I know would never have let that happen and I was very angry with Him for a long time.

2. When did Jesus enter your life, and how did it happen?

Three years ago when I first placed myself back in school (I'm 43) I was required to complete a religion class. I cringed at the thought. I didn't want anything to do with religion. I started the class and was assigned to research many different types, styles, and denominations of religion. I quickly realized I was a lost soul. The religion class caused me to question my faith, my life as whole, and where am I really suppose to be? Enough was enough!! I was raised in the United Methodist Church, attended every Sunday with my parents, so that is where I headed back to. The first Sunday service that I sat through I knew immediately that that is where I was supposed to be. I cried like a baby, asked for forgiveness, and a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. The light came on, and guess what? I have found that open door. With God's help and guidance I know exactly where I am going in my life. I am happy again!! And I can see clearly.

3. How has it changed your life?

How has this changed my life? How has this changed my life? I could keep asking myself that question over and over and still not find the correct answer, but I do know one thing, I can see the miracles around me. I can see the good in people. I can see reasoning in situations that I think are not suppose to happen. For example, the experience I went through when I had to fight for the return custody of my children. That situation made me a stronger person, a loving mother, and a protector of my young (like a mama bear).

The miracles that I see, and this is the one important thing that I want to share with you. Last Wednesday my daughter's best friend (Chelsea) was in a car accident. A very bad car accident. The paramedics had to cut her out of the car by using the jaws of life. She was then transported by air to a trauma unit an hour away. What is the miracle in this, you ask? The miracle is, my daughter was suppose to be in that car. At the last minute after school my daughter decided not to go with her, and came home instead. Do I see angels at work here? Do I see God's directing hand here? I sure do!! Am I glad that I have Him walking by my side? I sure am!

This is my witness to you, my 3 minute testimony...This is how my life has changed...This is how I will continue my life....I am in good hands, and you can be too.

So when are you going to apply those three words in your life (influence, invitation, and witnessing).

From left: Virginia, Randi, and Chelsea

Three terrific peas in a pod....

Just a little more information: Chelsea is a survivor. She broke all the bones in her right leg, suffered some pelvic damage, is banged up and bruised, but she will be fine. God was watching over her too. We love you Chels!!

Lonely

Once again, it's a new semester at college, my last semester, and I am stuck in classrooms with pimple faced/snot-nosed kids. Okay, maybe I shouldn't view them that way. They are educating themselves just like I am, and the young generation that I am schooling with is our future in leadership. But I can't help feeling like that odd peanut M & M that you find in the bottom of the bag. The one that is either odd shaped or missed the chocolate coating all together.....I am 43 (stale) sitting in a classroom of 20 year olds (brand new). They say that my life experiences and wisdom are good for the young'ns, but I can't help feeling like the minority, the lonely, the oddball, the old fogy......

Do you have any suggestions on how to make myself more comfortable? I am not hard to get along with, and I usually don't struggle with conversation, just feel like an outcast, alien, and they will all laugh at you (Carrie).

I definitely match up with the definition of minority:

a. The smaller in number of two groups forming a whole (young and old).

b. A group or party having fewer than a controlling number of votes (I sit alone while the young students form their teams. The ones that went to high school together and know each other from grade school.)

As my classmates form teams to work with throughout the semester, I sit there quietly, not knowing anyone, and waiting to be invited.

I feel like the last kid standing in a kick-ball team call out. The one that no one wants to have playing on their team. The one that has no coordination, no team effort, the one with the nerd glasses that are taped with white tape at the bridge of the nose.....

But as I look around the classroom at my young classmates, I think about the space around them. I am observing a thought (they are so young and I don't really fit in here). I have the uncomfortable feeling, but there is a part of me that is observing this feeling. When I focus on the observation, the space around the problem, I dethatch from the problem or situation, and I can then begin to focus on and transform it. I can change this uncomfortable feeling I have and focus more on the similarities. We are all going to school for the same thing, to better our future, to make a mark in our lives, and to better educate ourselves.

To explain the observation part; we all think, right? When we have a thought we are constantly observing that thought. We ask ourselves questions about the thought and try to bring ourselves to an understanding of why we are thinking the way we are. That is the observation part of a thought, the space around it. The space around my thoughts on age difference (painful) needs to be closed. I need to come to a peace with my thoughts and focus on the similarities. When I close that gap of observation, my life will become normal and change for the good. I have to give what is going on in school a new meaning, a new power, a new peace. I need to give my (young) classmates a chance to let me mold with them.

And this little ditty came through my email today, which gives me strength and courage: God has seen you struggling with something. God says it's over. A Blessing is coming your way.

My Blessing I believe is, I do have the strength to make it through this last semester of college even though I am surrounded by the young.

Hugs for Always,

Angie