Just 20 Minutes

A couple weeks ago I wrote about how (a so called) step-parent has been intruding into my territory. I wrote about my feelings and facts, posted my penning, and went about life in my usual manor (happy). When I feel intruded on, lashed at, or threatened, I consider the sources, consider my own feelings, and consider how it is affecting the ones around me. I can usually talk myself into reasoning. I'm a "bounce backer" (usually) no matter what the situation. But a few days ago I ran into a problem where I didn't have time to think. I just simply reacted. I was setting a punishment for my 17 year old daughter, and the intruder stepped into my territory once again. And all it took was hearing her voice on the other end of the phone that was at my daughter's ear. Right at that moment I grew horns, a tail, holding a pitchfork, and my voice even changed. Yes, I sounded like the voice of whatever it was that possessed Emily Rose. This transformation shocked me, I was a stranger to myself, and it only took a matter of 20 minutes for my daughter to pack and leave with the intruder (the possessed voice that I had no control over told her to leave and I didn't want her here). I said that to my own daughter! The possession that took over me and my body made me say it. I usually don't point blame, but this is my story and I'm sticking to it.

Over the last year, and a new year will soon be beginning, I have made a lot of changes in my life. Some may say I have made some major transformations as far as my Path of life. And you know what? When we go through a transformation, it can seem like we are going crazy to outsiders, family, and friends. Because the people that are closest to us aren't on the same Path as we are. I am probably being seen as crazy or labeled as "insane". I have been happy in my life for no reason for almost a year. I have created a comfort that I thought was affecting everyone around me the same (positively). While I was leaving the Phoenix airport last week I stopped into a Starbucks nook to juice up on caffeine for the flight home. The man working behind the counter said, "You look happy." I simply informed him that I was on my way home to Ohio. Before I left the Starbucks nook the man shouted, "Keep on being happy!" Have you ever noticed that when a person is sad and depressed they are comforted by many people who can relate, but when a person is happy for no apparent reason - those same people want to label that person as crazy. You absolutely cannot be happy for no apparent reason. You have definitely got to be loony.

It's not crazy to be happy, and one person noticed my happiness. I have finally gotten to a state of gratitude in my life, I am expressing my gifts, I am in the flow, and I'm happy for no reason. And I am not crazy! What's crazy is what is flashed before our eyes every single day on that box we call a TV. Death, destruction, fear, lack, arguing, blaming, etc.... and no my friends, that's not just crazy, that's insane. Therefore, it may just explain why I am a happy person. I don't watch that box we call a TV. I am more of an internet surfer, searcher, rebel. I look for things to inspire me, lift me up, and things that make me realize that I am truly living my life. So I am kind of co-creating my life even though the world around me is falling apart.

With co-creating my life I know how I want it to go, what to expect, and how to deal with the unexpected. But I have found out that I haven't grown enough within myself to fully battle the unexpected yet. I played through my mind how the situation with my daughter would go. I had everything planned out. I would set her punishment, she would accept it and serve it. But when that intruder stepped in on the other end of the phone, everything went to hell. I need to coach myself, wake up each day to see the world with new eyes, and reset my limits. I never want to lose control of myself like that again. I don't want to feel like a possessed person that has no control of their thoughts, mind, and body. Especially when it affects the ones I love. Twenty minutes and my daughter was gone.

Hugs for Always,

Angie

Fake Love

There are some things that I let piss me off bother me that I really shouldn’t pay any attention to, but sometimes those things cannot be avoided. And feelings and emotions are some of the hardest things to control.

I don’t know if any of you have to deal with step-parents (and in my case, she is not really a step parent, she is a live-in acquaintance to my ex husband). But for some reason she wants to claim my children as her own. Calling my daughters HER daughters, and calling my son HER son. She is even going as far as calling my grand kids HER grandkids. This should not bother me because I have raised my children with a tremendous amount of love. They know the difference between true love and fake love.

And the funny thing about this situation, I have never spoken ill of this person, my children do…..

I am on vacation this week in Arizona, but I still remain active with my cyber communications with my children. Yesterday I opened my Facebook page to see this:

Lisa Yackee

Had a great night last night with my 2 beautiful daughters and my precious granddaughter on our girls night out. Hope we can do that more often. I hope my girls know that I love them so much and I am so blessed with them, I could not have had any better girls than what I do. I love you Cassandra Lynne Beck, Randi Marie Hatcher and Miss Lydia Ann!!!!

Does she realize that those blessed and precious girls have been raised by me? This is what I call pure ignorance, but hey, if it makes her feel better.....I can deal with it.

She is my ex husband’s live-in acquaintance, and the names she has listed are MY daughters and granddaughter….For Real???

And just this morning I opened my email to find this (to make myself feel better);

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."

- Catherine Ponder

I really don’t want to be bound to this person in any way, shape, or form. So I forgive her for her ignorance.

But if you know me, I had to research the topic of fake love. To better get you on base with this person she refused to talk to my daughter for about a month because my daughter missed her birthday. No wishes were sent from a 17 year old girl, teenager, wrapped up with boys, friends, and good times. Does that really require a grudge from an adult? But then she tries to right her wrongs by creating a MOTHER DAUGHTER DAY!! GIRL’S DAY OUT!!

Some people will say that there is no such thing as fake love, but I have to disagree. I see it daily in the emotional roller coaster that this woman has my children on. Do I resent her for that? Of course I do. Emotions are not something to play with, especially when it comes to young people. False love is more evil than open hatred. If families can’t stick together, whether step, acquaintance, etc… they end up not with a family, but with a melting mess. Yes, there are families that show outright contempt for each other, but what about the stable ones (my home)? Stability is dependent on a number of things like money, love, time, and health. Which money has always been a major issue when it comes to my children and their dad’s way of thinking (“That is what child support is for”). So, over the years my children have found that their father’s home is not dependable. My fault? No!

In a home where there is love for all, but one of the gears are not truthfully reciprocating the love received, then all the gears are being robbed. A lot of time this goes unnoticed, and the other family members will try and fill the gaps (which I have done when it comes divorce). I have spent years working extra hard to fill in the gap (unstable father). But ya know, my children are old enough to tell the difference between fake and what is true.

I ran across a list of 5 things a step-parent should never do. It’s amazing how this list of 5 things have been broken tremendously by her (so-called step-parent).

Don’t Bad-Mouth the Biological Parents (broken)

A step-parent will have their own opinions about the biological parent, but whatever the feelings or opinions are they should not be discussed with the child. Voicing disdain will make the child feel as though they have to choose between the step-parent and the biological parent. She talks bad about me all the time to my children. How do I know? They tell me.

Don’t Be a Disciplinarian (broken)

It is the biological parent’s job to be the parents, not the step-parents job. This has been broken by being demanding on who my daughter can be friends with, and my son’s choice on who he wants to be engaged to. This woman doesn’t like my son’s fiancée (Sydney), so the MOTHER DAUGHTER DAY was created by purposefully leaving out Sydney. Very good parenting skills there…..

Don’t Be a Replacement Parent (broken)

A step-parent should never try and take the place of the biological parent, which she is trying to do (MOTHER DAUGHTER DAY? FOR REAL?). This could lead to big time resentment from the children (which she has created herself). She should be focusing more on being a mentor or caring ear instead of demanding to be the mother of my children.

Don’t Expect Things to be Perfect (broken)

The so called love that she was expecting when she started a relationship with my children’s father was demanding, insisted, and forced. She did not give the connection of love time to develop between her and my children.

Don’t Play Favorites (broken)

She does not have her own children so she feels she can pick and choose mine. For instance, the dislike of my son’s fiancée, which is played in front of my children every time there is a family get together on their dad’s side. She refuses to speak to Sydney and gives her the cold shoulder.

I really don’t have anything to fear from this so-called step-parent, because I understand my children, I provide for my children, and they know where stability lies. But when I see public posts on Facebook from her to my children I can’t help but puke inside my mouth a little feel a ping of resentment toward this woman. She does not have the right to create fake love when it comes to my kids, their emotions, their hearts, and stability. And she seems to put the “attack” into play when I’m nowhere near my children (thousands of miles away in Arizona). I am not going to let her intimidation affect me because I know the true feelings of my children and myself.

Fear

I am so glad that I created this blog spot. I come here to vent, pen what's on my mind, and hopefully give you some encouragement, up-lift, and light in your life.
Here lately I have had a heavy mind. As I was reading my email messages this morning I happened to stumble upon this:

"Our fears are simply undiscovered parts of ourselves. The two emotions, Love & Fear are the opposites of each other. Love is the absence of Fear, and Fear is the non-recognition of Love. When we embrace what we are afraid of, shine light on the darkness of our Fear, we will see that only Love was there the whole time, but was unrecognized. This is the gift our Fears can give us if we know how to see them for what they truly are, a call to bring Love to the unknown."

- Jackson Kiddard

In school a couple semesters ago, I did some research on stress. Did you know that there is no such thing as stress? It's true! Stress comes from what our minds create for us. We upset ourselves with our own pattern of thinking. And my pattern of thinking has not been good. But I refuse to let myself talk myself into being upset (say that 5 times fast...).

Fear - A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc..., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

Did you pick out the key words in that definition? EMOTION, AROUSED, IMAGINED, CONDITION

But before I continue, let me tell you what my recent fear is. I have been attending school since January of 2009. Some of that time has been spent attending school while working, and some attending school while not working. My job was shipped overseas in November of 2009. My job ending date was October 29, 2009. Yes, I remember that day like it was yesterday. After spending 22 years with the same company, I felt like I was losing a limb. Since my job was sent overseas I was awarded by the Trade Adjustment Act. A program that the government provides to employees that are basically left with nothing, and had no choice in the matter. So I have received two years of schooling and benefits at the cost of our wonderful government. I have one more semester left and I will be graduating with my bachelor degree in supervision and leadership. Am I ready? NO I'M NOT! I say those words lightly (one more semester).....that is my present fear.

Therefore, I need to keep in mind that there is healthy fear and unhealthy fear. Unhealthy fear is being afraid of something that cannot actually harm you - spiders, or something that we cannot avoid like, the most common, getting old. Those fears serve only to make us unhappy and paralyze our will to keep moving forward.
Healthy fear is more in the medical aspect of things, like when a doctor tells you if you don't change your diet you will have a heart attack. You change your diet out of fear of that heart attack happening. That danger is real and there are constructive steps that can be taken to avoid it.

Hence, it's good to know that my fear is healthy. All I have to do is change my (diet) routine. I will graduate (May 2012), step outside of my safety (home), and enter the working world once again. And also put into action what I have learned in school. There is always a solution to the fear feeling. Although, I will always be deathly afraid of spiders, and the solution to that, RUN!
We need to balance our fears. A balanced fear of our delusions and self-made suffering to which they give rise is healthy, because the balance will serve to motivate constructive action to avoid the imaginary stress dilemma. Stomping out fear is all in training the mind, taking action to change the fear, and finding your inner refuge, your inner strength, and even finding a spiritual healing. Don't let fear hold you back. And I will be coaching myself those exact same words as the month of May quickly approaches. YIKES!

Another quote that was brought to my attention today is,

"Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again..." - Simon & Garfunkel, "The Sound of Silence"

And since that little ditty is now implanted in my brain.....I will be singing it all day. Or maybe I should download it so I can listen to it over and over and over....This can be a useful tool in training my mind to not fear my out of reach concern.

Hugs for Always,

Angie