A couple weeks ago I wrote about how (a so called) step-parent has been intruding into my territory. I wrote about my feelings and facts, posted my penning, and went about life in my usual manor (happy). When I feel intruded on, lashed at, or threatened, I consider the sources, consider my own feelings, and consider how it is affecting the ones around me. I can usually talk myself into reasoning. I'm a "bounce backer" (usually) no matter what the situation. But a few days ago I ran into a problem where I didn't have time to think. I just simply reacted. I was setting a punishment for my 17 year old daughter, and the intruder stepped into my territory once again. And all it took was hearing her voice on the other end of the phone that was at my daughter's ear. Right at that moment I grew horns, a tail, holding a pitchfork, and my voice even changed. Yes, I sounded like the voice of whatever it was that possessed Emily Rose. This transformation shocked me, I was a stranger to myself, and it only took a matter of 20 minutes for my daughter to pack and leave with the intruder (the possessed voice that I had no control over told her to leave and I didn't want her here). I said that to my own daughter! The possession that took over me and my body made me say it. I usually don't point blame, but this is my story and I'm sticking to it.
Over the last year, and a new year will soon be beginning, I have made a lot of changes in my life. Some may say I have made some major transformations as far as my Path of life. And you know what? When we go through a transformation, it can seem like we are going crazy to outsiders, family, and friends. Because the people that are closest to us aren't on the same Path as we are. I am probably being seen as crazy or labeled as "insane". I have been happy in my life for no reason for almost a year. I have created a comfort that I thought was affecting everyone around me the same (positively). While I was leaving the Phoenix airport last week I stopped into a Starbucks nook to juice up on caffeine for the flight home. The man working behind the counter said, "You look happy." I simply informed him that I was on my way home to Ohio. Before I left the Starbucks nook the man shouted, "Keep on being happy!" Have you ever noticed that when a person is sad and depressed they are comforted by many people who can relate, but when a person is happy for no apparent reason - those same people want to label that person as crazy. You absolutely cannot be happy for no apparent reason. You have definitely got to be loony.
It's not crazy to be happy, and one person noticed my happiness. I have finally gotten to a state of gratitude in my life, I am expressing my gifts, I am in the flow, and I'm happy for no reason. And I am not crazy! What's crazy is what is flashed before our eyes every single day on that box we call a TV. Death, destruction, fear, lack, arguing, blaming, etc.... and no my friends, that's not just crazy, that's insane. Therefore, it may just explain why I am a happy person. I don't watch that box we call a TV. I am more of an internet surfer, searcher, rebel. I look for things to inspire me, lift me up, and things that make me realize that I am truly living my life. So I am kind of co-creating my life even though the world around me is falling apart.
With co-creating my life I know how I want it to go, what to expect, and how to deal with the unexpected. But I have found out that I haven't grown enough within myself to fully battle the unexpected yet. I played through my mind how the situation with my daughter would go. I had everything planned out. I would set her punishment, she would accept it and serve it. But when that intruder stepped in on the other end of the phone, everything went to hell. I need to coach myself, wake up each day to see the world with new eyes, and reset my limits. I never want to lose control of myself like that again. I don't want to feel like a possessed person that has no control of their thoughts, mind, and body. Especially when it affects the ones I love. Twenty minutes and my daughter was gone.
Hugs for Always,
Angie
This is a fact. When everyone around you is involved in dysfunctional behavior, and you are the sane one, then YOU become the problem. In their eyes. You are the one who is "messed up" because you won't go along. You are the beacon of truth in their messed up world and they can't stand it. It's a really hard position to be in. I can only imagine how much harder, when you own child is involved.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes....even the sane one can lose it sometimes. How can you not? I am working on that too .Keeping my cool amidst insanity. And boy does it shake up the status quo and the status quo don't like it.
Keep on shining, Angie.
Oh Ang...my heart hit the floor when I read what happened. I'm so sorry, but I do believe this is a process for you and your daughter to work through some issues at hand. Please don't allow guilt to plague you...you're only human too. I think it's fantastic that you are so protective of your babies...that's wonderful. Lots of learning ahead for your young'un....just keep loving and her eyes will be opened to the truths around her..in His Time. I love you and am here for you. I sure agree with what Michael Ann said too. Keep looking up. XO
ReplyDeleteThank you so much ladies....What great friends I have! And see, both of you are part of my sanity, stability, and happiness. I know I will get through this. I'm a "bounce backer". Doing much better now that the holidays are over.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling lonely at school :( I can totally understand this.
ReplyDeleteSomething I would think about....I believe we create the energy and others respond. Don't let your age define you with these youngin's Believe in your worth and value, and they will respond to that.